The Consultant’s Flower Garden

"Ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment, The Consultant's Flower Garden!"

[Music]

(Narration): "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for showing an interest in The Consultant's Flower Garden. We would like to surprise you all, but we also feel that you may be disappointed, so the demonstration showing on the screen now is roughly what is going to happen. This will be set in time to some music to create the proper mood for The Consultant's Flower Garden."

[Music - The Breakfast Line]

Miss Swift: "Now as we all know, making a film is not an easy thing to do, and еverything doesn't always go according to plan. Cardiacs being lovablе funsters and bloody good sports have decided to show some of the clips that didn't quite go right. What a treat - like a sweet. We have decided to call this section of the film 'Whoops a daisy!!'"

Tim Smith: "Shut up. I can't do it. Shut up! I can't bloody do it can I? Will you shut up?"

(Narration): "This is William D. Drake. Sometimes we call him Bill. The Consultant will never call him Bill because his hatred for him is far too great."

The Consultant: "Will you say the bloody thing again?"

William D. Drake: "If I've got to say it again, I want to tell my special joke. Fatty and Skinny had a bath. Fatty popped off, and Skinny laughed. Hehehehehehe!"

("Shut up!")

William D. Drake: "There is a sign outside your house saying everyone is plappy. Oh! Oh dear, I said 'plappy!' Hehe hehehehe! Plappy nappy soo hoo. Plappy's nappy hoo hoo. Plappy nappy."

The Consultant: "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

(Narration): "Sometimes The Consultant might tell him off. Like when Bill puts his shoes on the stove, The Consultant will say..."

The Consultant: "We call them accidon'ts because we don't want them to happen!"

(Narration): "And all the beautiful thoughts Bill had collected over many long years vanished, and probably won't ever come back."

[Music]

The Consultant: "I hate you!"

(Narration): "Like the time when The Consultant found Bill interfering with himself in his room."

The Consultant: "And what do you think you're doing?"

(Narration): "The Consultant told Jim that he must never interfere with himself, so he doesn't. The Consultant says only those pure of heart will be worthy of being represented in The Consultant's Flower Garden, but I tell him to fuck off! And he thanks me for it in the end."

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, set to the foot-tapping melody of Captain Pugwash, The Consultant's Flower Garden!"

[The Consultant's Flower Garden, set to the theme of Captain Pugwash]