Lover’s Spat

[JOSH, spoken]
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no
Please, no song, I'll do anything

[MELISSA, spoken]
Yeah, guys, we're actually in the middle of some—

[MAN #1]
You can't plow a field without hittin' some stones

[WOMAN #1]
Every steak's bound to have some fat

[WOMAN #2, ENSEMBLE]
You can't eat a fish without gettin' some bones
And you can't have love without having a lover's spat

[JOSH, spoken]
Would you leave us alone for just a minute?

[MELISSA, spoken]
Seriously, please

[WOMEN]
First she says somethin' bound to get his gander

[MEN]
Then he says somethin' mean to get her back

[WOMEN]
Then she complains that he don't undеrstand her

[MEN]
And then he givеs her a smack

[MELISSA, spoken]
Oh, oh no, that's not okay
Unless it's consensual

[MEN]
It's just a
Love-love-lover's spat

[WOMEN]
Just 'cause you're feudin'

[ENSEMBLE]
Don't mean that you're concludin'

[MEN]
It's as plain, plain, plain as that

[ENSEMBLE]
It's only a lover's spat

[WOMEN]
First he says

[JOSH, spoken]
Yeah, I-I'm not doing this

[MEN]
Then she says

[MELISSA, spoken]
Oh, what a surprise, you don't want to talk about it

[WOMEN]
Then he says

[JOSH, spoken]
Um, what is that supposed to mean?

[MEN]
Then she says

[MELISSA, spoken]
It's not supposed to mean anything; I said what I meant

[WOMEN]
Then he says

[JOSH, spoken]
I can't do this with all these people around

[MEN]
Then she says

[MELISSA, spoken]
Oh, you can't do this period

[ENSEMBLE]
Every gal and feller
Are bound to have a yeller

[JOSH, spoken]
We have to get out of here

[MELISSA, spoken]
Yeah, yeah

[MILDRED]
Eve and Adam frolicked in the garden
Living there was such a sweet delight
'Til Adam, he said, "Madam, beg your pardon
But my apple's missing a bite"

[MEN]
They (They) had (Had) a (A)

[ENSEMBLE]
Love-love-lover's spat

[WOMEN]
Just 'cause you're wranglin'

[ENSEMBLE]
Don't mean that you're untanglin'

[MEN]
It's as plain, plain, plain as that

[ENSEMBLE]
It's only a lover's spat

[MEN]
First she says

[MELISSA, spoken]
So what's the plan, Josh, look for someone new?

[WOMEN]
Then he says

[JOSH, spoken]
I'm not having a discussion that's part of a musical number

[MEN]
Then she says

[MELISSA, spoken]
Why won't you just answer the question?

[WOMEN]
Then he says

[JOSH, spoken]
Fine, yes, if it's a way to get out of here

[MEN]
Then she says

[MELISSA, spoken]
I knew it, I knew it

[WOMEN]
Then he says

[JOSH, spoken]
Agh!

[ENSEMBLE]
It's just a
Love-love-lover's (It's just a lover's, lover's) spat
Just 'cause you bicker
Don't mean that you'll end quicker
It's as plain, plain, plain (It's as plain, as plain) as that
It's only a lover's spat

When he puts her on the spot
And she spits out of spite
They're a kettle and a pot
Both convinced they're right
And they think it's all for nought
Then they kiss goodnight

[MELISSA, spoken]
It's over

[JOSH, spoken]
Mel

[MELISSA, spoken]
No, I mean it, we're officially broken up now
You're free to find true love with whoever you want
'Cause this is it, the end
And, and you suck, and I hate you, and I hope you die

[JOSH, spoken]
Mel

[MELISSA, spoken]
Stop saying Mel, you sound like a freakin' idiot

[ENSEMBLE]
That's how you end a lover's
How you end a lover's spat