No Respect

(Yeah, yeah, yeah! Go, Rodney! Woo!)
No respect at all... when I was a baby, I was breastfed by my father!
Ladies and gentlemen, Rodney!
This is my moment, when destiny called me
Yes, this is my moment, when fate took my hand
For once in a lifetime...

I can't sing, what the hell am I singing for, eh?
I'll be doing card tricks next, weather reports, whatever you want, you know.
But it's nice seeing some folks here who work for television, I'll tell you that, you know?
One guy gave me a hard time, he kept looking at me and looking at me, said "where do I know you from", you know?
I said "you ever watched the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson"? He said "Yeah, you too?"
Hey, good crowd, good crowd, huh? [applause] That's alright.

You know me, I love crowds, love crowds. When I was a kid, my house was always crowded.
Always people around, you know, I come from a big old-fashioned, hard working, stupid family.
That's where I come from. What a dumb family I got... are you kiddin'? Last week I looked up my family tree, I found out I'm the sap.
My old man - he was dumb too, my old man. He worked in a bank, they caught him stealing pens.
I tell ya, I can't relax, you know? The other night I felt like having a few drinks.
I went over to the bartender, and I said "surprise me". He showed me a naked picture of my wife!
My wife, we got no sex life either, just copy down [?] once a month. Oh, I'm lucky - two guys I know, she cut out completely!
Look, I met one of the guys. I told him "Who told you you can fool around my wife?" He said "everybody!"

My wife... well, last night she told me she wants to have sex in the backseat of the car. And she wants me to drive!
You can laugh, I'll leave the car... then you're gonna laugh. Here baby, how you doin'? Love the guy with a good laugh, you're alright, baby, huh.
Where you're from, bud? (Uh...) The questions get harder as you go along, you know.
I'm not gonna follow you home, what are you worrying about, for crying out loud, eh?
Where you're from again, whereabouts? (Uh, Jersey.) Jersey? (someone else from the crowd: "No wonder.")
No wonder... enough trouble over here, don't you start now, will you please?
Whereabouts in Jersey, huh? (Wayne) Wayne, New Jersey. Oh, Wayne, huh... oh, you city slickers. Uh!

I'm in a good mood, though, I'll tell you that. I just signed a big contract with General Motors for two years. I bought a new car.
I always get stuck when I buy a car, the salesman always says "she's a beauty", never says "he's a beauty".
Now I found out why, 'cause the car and a girl are very much alike.
I mean, with either one - the car or a girl - how many times in the cold morning, when you needed it, it won't turn over?
What the hell. (Yeah!) Nice to see the love in the room, anyway.
Man, it's too much hate in the world today, people always fight with each other. It's awful, ya know?
Trouble with me is I'm too easy going. Last night I had dinner in a Chinese restaurant, I opened up my fortune cookie.
Inside was a guy's check next to me! I said to him "buddy, I got your check". He said "thanks".

And no, I mean these wise guys! You can take a little vacation, spotted some guy who works at a travel agency.
He told me I can spend six nights in Puerto Rico. No days, just six nights in Puerto Rico.
I said to myself "What I do with myself on days?", he said "Do whatever you want, just keep out of Puerto Rico".
Well, you have to get away once in a while, take a little vacation. I went to Paris last year, been to Paris.
Have yo folks been to Paris? (Yeah, yeah...) How about Pennsylvania?
(Yeah, yeah! Woo!) Alright, guess Pennsylvania is more popular than Paris, alright, but uh...
I have to get away once in a while, what the heck. I just did a one-nighter in Milwaukee, and she was lovely.

I wish I came to Midwest, y'know, I lived in a nice, adjusted town. No really, it'd be nice.
I had a wooden frame house, with a screen door at the back of the kitchen, my brother and sister were Maryanne and Biff...
I had a fat maid named Anny, I walked by with a tennis racket, smacked her in the ass, she goes "Oh, that boy!"
And dad worked for the bank for 30 years, Vice President - very adjusted man, dad... church goer, never smokes, drinks or gambles.
Then you read about these guys. One day they pick up an axe, and wipe out the whole family, you know?
Heh, then the next day the cops come around, "What happened here? What kinda man was he?"
"He was a quiet man, a very quiet man."

Where was I? I was in Paris, yes, I was in Paris. Went to a place called the "Crazy Horse Saloon", little French girl saw me there.
(Hey!) That was the owner right over there, good to se ya.
A little French girl saw me, she looked to me, she said "you're cute".
And then she told me American men made the best lovers. Then she said, American men and comedians are the best lovers.
I walked away, I figured I was too good for her! Who the hell, me? [laughter] That's what I do.
She's a lovely girl... Well, she told me she was a world throttler. Then she told me what a trip cost [?], and I told her: "we live in two different worlds!"
She was a lovely girl, in fact, that night took me to a wild party. I played a new version of Russian Roulette - we passed around six girls, and one of them had VD!

I don't know, people say to me "What do you like about a girl, a girl's legs? Are you a leg man, are you a breast man, an ass man?" I don't know what I am.
And I figured I must be an ass man, you know? Yeah, people always say to me "you're an ass, man!"
I'll tell you what's I'm about, see. You see a great ass, you follow it, it turns out to be a guy.
[laughter] Am I too fast for this whole table over here? What is it, huh?
Please, a lotta things I can't figure out. I was in a place the other night, in this place there's girls dancing, they wear no clothes on.
Naked! And they wouldn't let me in, I didn't have a tie and a jacket...

Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I asked a cab driver "where can I get some action?" He took me to my house!
Now, there's a lot of things going around my house. Well, the other night in front of my house I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to him "how come?" He said, "'cause you came home early!"
Oh, last week I really got stuck. I went to a discount massage parlor with self-service.
I'll tell ya, my sex life ain't nothing anyway, you kidding? My sex life... my biggest thrill is self-inflicted hickeys!
What a sex life, I told a girl from Moorestown [?] what I wanna put in your hand. "You'll never sell me insurance!"
What a sex life... the only reason I get any girls at all is because of who I am. A rapist!
Nah, I'm not a sexy guy, I know I'm not sexy! Well, this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling!

I'm a bad lover, are you kiddin'? A very bad lover. You know I caught a Peeping Tom booing me?
Now, about some guys, they do anything to get girls. I was trying to get girls for a while. I was taking my dog for a walk.
I figured some girls would say "ooh, what a cute dog!" From there you start talkin', you get the girl.
Didn't work out, my dog was too smart, you know. He was using me to get all the dogs!
Nah, but dogs are smart, they really are! I mean, a guy meets a girl, he's not sure if he likes her, takes her out a few times, spends all kinds of money.
A dog don't do this, dog goes out - with one smell, SNIFF! "She's for me!" Knows right away, you know?

Ah, but women have a lot of control, I'll tell you that, you know. I can tell when they go to ladies' room.
You know, a woman never goes when she has to go, she always goes when someone else has to go.
I hear them talk, "I don't care! I go now, later, whenever you have to go!" How do you do that? [inaudible]
And a lot of women act so classy, they never say "I'm goin' to the bathroom." They go "I have to powder my nose."
If that's where her nose is, she's in a lot of trouble, I'll tell you that!
I'll tell you a place you have to control yourself: in a bank! In a lot of banks you never see a men's room.
They have men's rooms only for the employees, you have to work there to use 'em. I was at the bank last week, I had to go so bad I applied for a job!

But it's nice when you borrow money from a bank, you know? If you miss a payment, you get notices like "Have you forgotten us? Perhaps we crossed in the mail" or something, you know.
You borrow money from a shark loaners, it's different. When I was a kid I borrowed $100 from a shark loaner, I paid him back $20 a week for 5 years. I still owed him $450! Now, how the hell did I get here?
I can't do a lot of things, you kiddin'? I'm not a kid anymore, I'm getting older now. I know I'm getting older.
I'm at the age now, to me "shooting up" means the enema bag. You kiddin'? I'm getting old.
No, at my age, I want two girls at once before I fall asleep, so they got each other to talk to. You kiddin'?
You know when you're getting old, you get certain signs. I walked past a cemetery, two guys ran after me with shovels!

I don't care about sex anymore, to be full is exciting. Nah, I tell ya, with me eating has replaced sex completely. In fact, I had a mirror put over my kitchen table!
Oh, the other night I was embarrassed. While I was eating my kid walked in. I grabbed my napkin, I covered my main dish, you know?
My wife had a mirror put over our bed. Yeah, she told me she likes to watch herself laugh. I don't know.
I tell ya, I'm the kind of guy, I mean, I'll tell ya - certain times I like sex, you know? Like after a cigarette.
Now, my wife is different, after we have sex she never wants a cigarette. She says one drag is enough!
I gotta lose some weight, I'll tell you that. I lost some weight, gotta lose some more, you know? It's a rough one, boy, isn't it?
Every damn day is a battle with weight. I was heavy and I was fat, are you kiddin'? I was so fat, when I got my shoes shined, I had to take the guy's word for it.

[audience chuckles] You see, these are all known as "jokes", what I'm doing here, they're called "jokes". [lively laughter]
You got that straight? Okay, we'll work it out, alright? This guy, looking at me like I'm a dog act, for crying out loud. BARK! BARK!
I don't know, I tell you: with me nothing comes easy, nothing. Last week I went to the track, they showed off the opening gun, they killed my horse!
I'll tell you my trouble, I got the wrong doctor! You know my doctor, dr. Vinnie Boombatz? That's my doctor, huh, doctor? The right doctor thought that I'm weird.
I saw him last week, I told him "Doc, every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I wanna throw up! What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know, but your right side is perfect!"
One time I called him, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest!
Now, he's a strange doctor, you know. No matter where it hurts you, he wants to kiss it to make it better, heh.
Well, after he checked me for a hernia, I had to change my phone number, oh-ho!

He didn't help me lose weight either. He told me to run five miles a day for two weeks. I called him up, I said "Doc, I'm 70 miles from my house!"
This table can't multiply either! You gotta multiply over here, okay? My dentist too, that's another one. I told him my teeth were all getting yellow, he told me to wear a brown necktie.
I tell ya, I never had any luck with doctors. I found out my proctologist, he used to work for Roto-Rooter!
I wish everyone knew that proctologist must be hell of a joke, you know? You never heard of Roto-Rooter, right?
I tell ya, last week was a rough week. My psychiatrist told me I'm goin' crazy! I said to him: "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."
He said "Alright, you're ugly too!" I mean, he told me to lay on a couch face down.

You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning!
I was an ugly kid too. I worked at a pet store, people kept asking how big I'd get!
Ah, one union tried to make me a poster boy for birth control! What a childhood I had.
My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend! You kiddin'? My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My old man, he didn't like my looks either. He carried around a picture with kid, who came with the wallet!
He was a lot of things, my old man, you kiddin'? My old man, on Halloween he told me to put jockey shorts on my head and go as an ass!

You're alright, you're nice group out there, I'll tell you that. You're okay there folks, you're alright, I'll tell you that.
[applause] You're alright, thank you very much. You're okay, thank you very much.
You're a classy crowd too, I can see that, you know. Well, you gotta have a touch of class, you know.
You know what real class is? When you're alone and you fart, and you say "excuse me". That's class.
I don't know. I'm glad you're a good crowd too. Big producer here tonight from Sausalito.
That's a great name if you're gay, isn't it? "Saul-Salito". Lot of S's and T's in it, you know.

I got a cousin who's gay. When I was a kid I'd tell on a family tree he's in the fruit section, you know?
My cousin went to London and he was so disappointed, he found out Big Ben was a clock.
No, I knew my cousin was strange in high school. All the kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies!
(Woo!) What, do you wanna fight now? Are you kiddin', being gay can happen to anybody.
You kiddin'? It can happen to you, it can happen to you... oh, it did happen to you! Hi there, you're a good sport, I tell ya. You're alright, you're okay.
And it's good to see you back in men's clothes again, I'll tell ya that. Ah, what can I tell you?

It's tough to be funny when you're coming off drugs, I'll tell you that. I tried marihuana just once, that's all, just once.
I didn't know what I was doing, I was on cocaine! When you're on cocaine, you don't know what you're doing.
I was in a restaurant, I tried to snort the sugar off my cornflakes. And kids today, they're into cocaine!
Ooh, kids today? they don't wanna read about Snow White, they wanna shove it up their nose!
I tried marihuana, I got too hungry though. Ooh, was I hungry. I was so hungry, I smoked half a joint and I ate the other half! I was starving, you know?
From time you turn to drugs, the pressure of life reaches you, you know.

And my life ain't nothing but pressure, all pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. And it’s always on top of me, this heaviness.
It’s always there since I’m a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, "A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!"
I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say, [adopts cheerful voice] "Hi, heaviness!"
And the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] "Today you’re gonna get it good, you know. You’ll be drinking early today."
And I don't wanna drink, I'm a bad drinker. When I drink, the next day I gotta do two things: I try to locate my car, and I gotta bring back the car I took.
I'm a bad drinker, bad drinker. You know you're drunk, when you take a leak and your fly isn't open, I'll tell you that.

No, when I drink, I don't know what I'm doing. I got loaded in Vegas one night, I shot dice, I lost a thousand bucks.
I got even though, I stole 400 sweet malos! Think that gambling lad next to me did too, pretty soon there'll be gambling in New York, you know?
How many people here think there should be gambling in New York? [applause] Yeah?
How many here think there should not be gambling in New York? [weaker applause]
How many here don't give a shit? [stronger applause & cheering]
You look like "I don't give a shit" crowd, you know that?

I like to gamble, I can lose a few bucks. I'm doing okay today, what the heck. When I was a kid, I got nothing, I was poor. Really poor.
I was so poor, my rich aunt died and in the will I owed her $20! I was poor, you know. I wore my father's hand-me-downs, it was rough. I had to unzip my fly to blow my nose!
We were poor. Ah, on our Christmas tree we had no tinsel, we used to wait for grandpa to sneeze!
Oh, it's a funny line, don't give me that bullshit, alright? I've been through enough in my life.
When I was a kid, I had plenty of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up, a blind man was reading my face!
You kidding? I went through a plenty. Well, the first time that I hitchhiked, I got beat up. I used the wrong finger!
You kidding? I had it rough. I never went to college, my old man had other ideas. He told me to get a job, and make sure the boss is taller than I am.
That way it'd be easy for me to kiss his ass!

I don't know, with kids today it's different. They got it too good, they don't appreciate it either. Last Christmas my kid wanted a BB gun, I gave him a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye on the back!
Little smart kid I got. The other day I told him about the birds and the bees, he told me about my wife and the butcher!
My kid, he drives me nuts. Well, he put crazy glue in my paper H&H! [?] I mean, I got a real mean kid!
Well, he scotch-tapes worms to the sidewalk, then watches the birds get hernias!
My daughter too, she's no bargain either. In public school, she was voted most likely to conceive.
That's the trouble with kids today, they play around so young. Ooh, they play around too young.
You know, today they got birth control pills shaped like Fred Flintstone. Yeah, you talk to some kids, they're afraid to have sex, they're scared.

I mean, the first time I had sex I was scared. The first time, ooh, was I scared. I was all alone!
I'll tell you one thing though, my kids are good looking, I got good looking kids. Ooh, thank God my wife cheats on me, you know?
Nah, with kids nobody wins, you kidding? Kids, they never turn out the way you want. That's why today you see so many misfits, sons working for their fathers, you know.
I mean, sons all sound the same, they go "Yeah, my dad and I are in business, business of my dad, heheh!"
"Actually, my father's father, he started the business; which is a good thing too, 'cause my dad and my son were both fucking idiots!" You know, sure.
I don't know, it's tough to work it out, folks. What can I tell ya, huh?

I got a dog too, he drives me nuts. His favorite bone is in my arm!
What a dog... and last night, four times he wanted the paper. Three times I was reading it!
I got a dumb dog. Every time he sees me, he has a love affair with my leg. And I'm getting to like it too, I'll tell you that!
Well, the other night I came home loaded, I was looking for his leg.
I got a female dog, she gives me trouble too. I tried to mate her, she wants 50 biscuits!
And that's enough talking about sex! All you hear is sex, sex... I thought that you and sex is what you wanted to hear [?]
Not lately though, I'll tell you that. Am I too deep for this whole section over here too?