Brunch

Hello! Too far.

Oh, hello. There's a chicken under here. Okay, long division--can't do that. Uh, yeah. We're all the chef of our hearts.

Thumbs up.

Yeah.

Free cow?

Ooo! Blech.

It's all very complicated and interesting.

Soooooo...brunch. I'm gonna share with you my secret mimosa recipe.

Here we go: orange juice. Write this down... [pours orange juice into champagne bottle] ...mimosas! I put the "me" in "mimosas."

Oh look, guys, it's perfect. It's the perfect mimosa. So, that's the whole point of brunch--so you get drunk in the morning. Mmmm. I just call that "morning." Part of me's fundamentally against the concept of brunch, in that I wake up and I'm immediately hungry. And I also love lunch. So if brunch somehow meant I could have breakfast, brunch, and lunch, then yeah, I'm on board. So. [claps] Pancakes. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

At first, I was really hesitant to make pancakes because I was like, isn't this eerily similar to baking? [flashback to bad baking experience] So hard! And that thought filled me with terror, but it's not. [drinks more]

Brunch people wine about problems that aren't actually problems. So, let's do a little bit of that:

This morning, the shower was NOT hot enough.

My nails are disgusting.

You know, I was tempted to just not buy the clutch.

I think Whole Foods has really gone downhill.

[drinks more]

We're almost done with the first bottle, so we better start to cook.

This is getting to be my drunk drunk...drunk.

Here we go. To assure maximum pancake ability, I bought some pancake mix. [drinks more] Eggs, oil milk...what the fuck?! [drinks more] This is just like making pancakes from scratch! They should call pancake mix “flour-plus-baking-powder-by-the-way-you’re-making-pancakes-from-scratch-so-don’t-think-you-got-out-of-that-one, sucker.” [burps] There would be a bunch of hyphens.

Two-thirds a cup this shitty pancake mix. It’s probably like, that much. Add an egg. [drinks more] So, we’ve got to open a second because it’s brunch. Fire in teh hole? Gonna be a hole. [pops cork] Bloop!

You don’t have to be afraid! You don’t have to worry about things like...measuring.

Milk? This cow is so pretty.

Mmmmm...mix it all together! What?! [drops bowl] Okay, so gently mix. All your shit. Together. A little egg.

We haven’t even put fire in this...pan!

Turns out a big part of making pancakes is waiting. You now what’s fun to do while you wait? Is drink? Now, if you wanna make your pancakes more special, you go down to your local bodega and you get some trail mix and then [pours trail mix into bowl] yeah. And then people are like, “Wow! Those are some fucking fancy pancakes!”

Ow, fuck! [burns self and proceeds to kiss burn] This is real pain! [drinks more] Check it out: this pancake looks like my dreams. Can I get some more liquor? Yeah. While you wait for your other pancakes to cook, eat this one.

And, whoa... [drops pancake on floor]

Delicious! [drinks more]

I want to have a message at the end, because I’ll always want that. Ayo. If you have a dream, you should have it in your heart...face. [blows kiss] Pancakes!