Christmas / Godfather

How's everybody doing tonight? My name is Neil Hamburger. Yeah.

[audience member: 'We love you, Neil!']

Okay, thank you. And, uh, let's get this party started! Alright.

What did Santa Claus give Paris Hilton for Christmas?
Well, he raped her. But that's my life!

And what did Santa Claus give Gerald Ford for Christmas?
Historical revisionism.

Thank you.

Knock knock. [Who's there?]
Not-a-ver. [Not-a-ver who?]
Not a very good response to that last joke, you cocksuckers!

And if you don't pick up the, uh, the audience response, I'll tell you one thing, you're never gonna see your heroes JB and KG. No, it is written into my contract that I have to gеt at least 10,000 decibels of hеarty belly laughter or Tenacious D will not perform.

What's that? Oh, fuck you too, you asshole! Hey, I can't make out what you're saying. If you're gonna have, uh, if you're gonna say those things to me, at least pull your 25-inch penis out of your mouth. I'm very impressed that it is so large, but, uh, it interferes with your ability to derail this show, which you will not do, because we've got a lot of great jokes in store for those who stick around. I do see people leaving already.

What... What did the Godfather of Soul, Gerald Ford... what does he have in common with disgraced vocalist James Brown and activist Saddam Hussein?
All three men were very well hung!

And why did James Brown feel good?
Well, because his- his coroner removed the intestinal blockage that had kept him constipated for the last 40 years!

Okay. Thank you.

Why... Why did Paris Hilton, over the course of one particularly memorable hour, perform oral sex on, uh, Calvin Klein, Eddy Bauer, Tommy Hil-fingin-ger, and both Abercrombie & Finch?
Well, because she's a very classy lady.

Hey, you shut up, you little whore! We're trying to do a show here. This- These jokes were choreographed by Rudolf Nureyev, the great Russian ballet dancer, and we will not let you interfere with this, uh, perfect timing. This expert tim- Oh, fuck you! I'll tell you what, asshole! I'll tell you what, garbage boy! I'm going over here, because this audience has been much more responsive! These are my people over here! And I will tell Tenacious D to perform over here! And, in fact, we are traveling with a bricklayer!

These are my people! Good to see ya! We are traveling with a bricklayer and he is gonna build a brick wall that goes from here all the way across here. And you assholes can stare at that brick wall and yell out your, uh, lines of hatred at the wall while you masturbate yourselves. Huh? Until you ejaculate blood because you'll never see a Rage Kage and Jables! No, they'll be performing right here to these folks right here! My people! My people! Hey, good to see you, huh? Let's have some fun, huh? Fuck those people over there, we're-

Hey, did you guys hear that, uh... Did you guys hear that they're making a James Brown biography? A movie? A biopic? Yeah. And, uh, the role of James Brown has been given to Joaquin Phoenix, if you can believe that. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but, uh, I think Joaquin Phoenix in the role of James Brown is a little bit unbelievable. I mean, uh, I don't think the audience would accept him as a wife-beater. But that's my life!

I am getting off on stage. I'm having the time of my life, asshole! And if you take those three corks out of your ass, maybe you'd be having a good time too!

Can we get some more laughs in the monitors?