The Inquisition

[Inquisitor]
(spoken)
All pay heed! Now enters his holiness Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition!
Torquemada; do not employ him for compassion
Torquemada; do not beg him for forgiveness
Torquemada; do not ask him for mercy
Let's face it, you can't Torquemada anything!

[Torquemada]
(spoken)
Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways and accept and embrace the true church convert now or forever burn in hell for now begins the Inquisition!

(Torquemada Slides down to the monks)

(sung)
The Inquisition, let's begin
The Inquisition, look out sin
We have a mission
to convert the Jews (Jew ja Jew ja Jew ja Jews)
We're gonna teach them wrong from right
We're gonna help them see the light
And make an offer that they can't refuse (that the Jews just can't refuse)

[Refrain]
Confess (confess, confess)
Don't be boring
Say yes (say yes, say yes)
Don't be dull
A fact you're ignoring
It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull

[Jews]
Oy oy gevalt

[Torquemada]
The Inquisition, what a show
The Inquisition, here we go
We know you're wishin'
That we'd go away
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay
The Inquisition, oh boy
The Inquisition, what a joy
The Inquisition, oy oy

[First Jewish Man]
I was sitting in a temple
I was minding my own business
I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass
Then these papus persons plunge in, and they throw me in a
Dungeon, and they shove a red hot poker up my ass
Is that considerate?
Is that polite?
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight

[Second Jewish Man]
I'm sittin', flickin' chickens
and I'm looking through the pickins'
and suddenly these guys break down my walls
I didn't even know them
and they grabbed me by the scrotum
and they started playing ping pong with my balls
Oy, the agony
Ooh, the shame
To make my privates public for a game

[Hook]
The Inquisition, what a show
The Inquisition, here we go
We know you're wishing
That we'd go away
But the Inquistion's here and it's here to -

[Executioners]
- Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say?

[Torquemada]
I just got back from the auto-da-fé

[Executioners]
Auto-da-fé? What's an auto-da-fé?

[Torquemada]
It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway

[Interlude]
Skit skat voodely vat tootin de day
Will you convert?
No, no, no, no
Will you confess?
No, no, no, no
Will you revert?
No, no, no, no
Will you say yes?
No, no, no, no
Now I ask in a nice way, I said pretty please, I bent their ears
Now I'll work on their knees! (Whacks their knees with two mallets)

[Dance Break]

[Inquisitors]
Hey, Torquemada, walk this way
We got a little game that you might wanna play
So pull that handle, try your luck

[Inquisitor]
(spoken)
Who knows, Torque. You might win a buck!

[Torquemada]
(spoken)
All right!

(Spins the wheel, get's three jews in a row like a slot machine)

[Torquemada]
(spoken)
Put it in the car

[Inquisitor]
(whispered)
In the car

[Inquisitor]
(whispered)
In the car

[Torquemada]
How we doing? Any converts today?

[Executioners]
Not a one! Nay, nay, nay!

[Torquemada]
We've flattened their fingers
We've branded their buns
Nothing is working
Send in the nuns!

(The nuns walk in, a giant block rises and the nuns partake in a swimming show, the jewish men go down a slide and are promptly drowned. It ends with the nuns coming back up with lights on their head and it turns out to take the shape of a menorah)

[Torquemada and Company]
The Inquisition, what a show
The Inquisition, here we go
We know you're wishin'
That we'd go away
So, c'mon you Moslems and you Jews
We got big news for all of yous
You better change your point of views today
Cause the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay