The NFL Pari-Tea Party

Dak Prescott and Jerry Jones walk into an entryway for a fine dining establishment. Roger Goodell is standing at a lectern to welcome them; a bowl of "encroach mints" sits on top of the lectern. A sign on the lectern says "Coat Checkdown," while a sign next to the lectern says "Please Wait To Be Seeded."

PRESCOTT: Hi, we should be under America’s Team.

GOODELL: Um...the Lions?

JONES: What? No! The Cowboys!

GOODELL: Oh, yes. Welcome to the Pari-TEA Party!

Goodеll leads Jones and Prescott onto a patio whеre some players and coaches are already seated. The tables hold decorative teacups and platters of hors d'oeuvres. Sam Howell and Ron Rivera are seated at the first table, which also holds a box of tea labeled "Sleepytime Bears."

HOWELL: It's pretty bright. Can I get some protection?

RIVERA: No.

Goodell, Jones and Prescott walk past another table which seats Justin Herbert and Austin Ekeler, each holding their cup of tea to their face.

GOODELL: Now remember, you're not supposed to blow it.

HERBERT, EKELER: Ohhh!

A third table seats Nick Bosa, Christian McCaffrey, and Brock Purdy.

MCCAFFREY: We're here because we lost three in a row. You see, 'parity' means there's little difference between the quality of these teams.

The camera, initially focused on McCaffrey, zooms out to show the rest of the table. A folded piece of paper states "Jam must stay within 5 yards of the table." Purdy is struggling to scoop sugar cubes into his tea; McCaffrey takes the sugar and starts scooping it himself.

MCCAFFREY: [sighs] Do I have to do everything?

Bosa unbuttons his jacket to reveal his shirt, which features the Gadsden Flag.

BOSA: Not my first tea party.

Goodell, Jones and Prescott walk up to the entrance of a brick building; a sign above the door reads "Elitery," and another sign states "we only take reservations for 6." Another table placed in front of the building seats Geno Smith and Pete Carroll.

JONES: There's been a mistake. We're um... kind of a tier up from these lower class teams.

The scene cuts to a table inside of the Elitery, around which is seated Lamar Jackson, Jalen Hurts, Patrick Mahomes, and Dan Campbell. A sign on the wall lists the specials as "Surf & Field Turf," "Clammys Casino," "Rasheeshito Peppers," "Amon-Ramen," "Sam LaPorterhouse for 2," "Mahomes' Goat Cheese Tart," and "Father Thyme's Undefeated Sorbet." A referee walks up to the table holding a platter of sandwiches.

REFEREE: Your finger sandwiches.

CAMPBELL: Woo! Not the first finger I've eaten and it won't be the last.

The scene cuts back outside the Elitery to Goodell, Jones and Prescott.

GOODELL: But there's nothing better than parity. Just ask the NFC South.

Another outside table is shown seating Alvin Kamara, Taylor Heinicke, and Baker Mayfield, all wearing Victorian-era upper-class suits and top hats in their respective teams' colors. A box of tea labeled "Calais Chamomile Tea" sits on the table. Aiden O'Connell stands next to the table, dressed as a waiter and holding a platter of teacups.

HEINICKE: So then they got Ridder him and went with me. [Kamara, Heinicke, Mayfield chuckle]

The camera pans past a table labeled "Media Darlings" seating CJ Stroud, Joshua Dobbs, and Will Levis, who is pouring mayonnaise into his tea. A fourth chair sits empty, labeled "RESERVED for Feel-Good Stories." As the camera continues to pan, Kenny Pickett is seen in the background playing a harp. Jaren Hall and Clayton Tune, dressed as waiters, stand next to a table seating Trevor Lawrence. Prescott and Jones walk in and sit next to Lawrence.

PRESCOTT: Why are you here? You only have two losses.

LAWRENCE: Yes, but we’re the Jags. And God's plan is for us to just be okay.

Zac Taylor stands up and chimes his teacup with a spoon. His table has a label on the scone platter that reads "PLAIN (Neutral Scone)."

TAYLOR: What a treat to share all these Zac Snacks with y'all! Yes, even you, the disgusting distraction from the Browns.

BROWNIE THE ELF: Ahahaha!

TAYLOR: We tried the whole being elite thing, but it was just so hard. To Parity!

Everyone raises their teacups as the camera briefly cuts to show the whole scene. Taylor's table has a box of tea labeled "Kelly Green Tea," and PJ Walker is standing behind Prescott and Jones dressed as a waiter. Jones interrupts the party by standing up to talk to Goodell.

JONES: Roger, we don't pay you $65 million a year to be treated like this!

PRESCOTT: I'm sorry, how much?

GOODELL: Get them, mid-season replacements!

JONES: Dakky, run!

PRESCOTT: Not really our strong suit this year, Mr. Jones!

O'Connell, Hall, Walker and Tune rip off their waiter costumes and chase after Jones and Prescott.

PRESCOTT: Wait, who are you guys?

O'CONNELL: Aidan O'Connell!

HALL: Jaren Hall!

WALKER: PJ Walker.

TUNE: I don't know...

Jones and Prescott find themselves in a hedged garden and come to a stop.

PRESCOTT: Oh thank god, the Bills.

Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs are shown from behind playing croquet.

ALLEN: You can't fall short of expectations...

Allen and Diggs turn around to reveal they are under some sort of trance, with menacing grins and spiraled pupils.

DIGGS: ...if there aren’t any.

JONES: Oh, sweet baby muskrat! Even the Bills are just okay!

Jones and Prescott clamber up a trellis on the side of the Elitery to try to escape the mob of mediocrity that has now formed below.

ALL, chanting: Parity! Parity!

JONES: Take Dakky, not me!

Jones grabs Prescott by the jersey and flings him to the crowd below. As he ascends to the top of the trellis, a shadowy figure emerges from a window on the top floor.

JONES: Ah, is that Jesus Christ?

HURTS: Close! It's Jalen Hurts. Take my hand!

Jones reaches out and grabs Hurts' hand. Hurts helps Jones up into the window, then shoves him back down to the crowd below.

HURTS: Oops! They really should ban that brotherly shove.

JONES: Why, Eagles, why?!

The Gridiron Heights outro rolls. A post-outro scene cuts back to Heinicke, Kamara and Mayfield at their table, still acting posh in their Victorian-era suits and hats.

HEINICKE: Alvin, you know what I'm talking about. You’re no stranger to a tussle. [Heinicke and Kamara chuckle]

KAMARA: Oh, you're bad, Taylor. Now, I'll tell you what's going on between Olave and Carr. But I don't think you're ready for THAT tea.

CROWD, murmuring: (Ohhh, child.) (He's got some gumption, don't he?) (I'll pay his fine.)

Mayfield throws his spoon at the table, to the disturbance of the others.

BAKER MAYFIELD: Why the f**k are you all talking like that?