Francis of the Filth - Chapter 1

A long time ago in a dimension far, far away there was a collective of midgets fighting over a hummus snack, who have nothing at all to do with our story, which really begins in a small and very unhygienic bedroom in what humans call 'New York'. It was at first appearance a common habitat: last Tuesday's ramen floating on a carpet of used tissues, unwashed socks, chewing gum-clogged USB sticks and bottles of urine stacked up in a pyramid; poorly written Japanese calligraphy scrolls hanging on the walls between cracked mirrors and old proudly displayed high school detention slips; and semen stains of the ceiling

Yet on closer inspection, there was, at the same time, something unique about this habitat as well. Grotesque to the point of disfigurement, and disconcerting to the point of alarm, there lay in the middle of it all — rather happily — blending in as though one with it, Francis of the Filth. He was covered in nothing but phlegm and a pair of Sponge Bob underpants which could stand on their own and would most certainly shatter like glass if thrown at a hard surface. Though dead to the world, he would occasionally whimper utterances which were a window into the mind of filth that beheld his name and title:

No, Juelz Santana please don't touch me there
Female comedians are very funny
Must eat more hummus
The other kids won't let me play in the park
It's my turn to ride the chocolate man
The school bus is responsible for their deaths, not me
Yes, it was I who left the steamy surprise
My step-dad was a veiny individual
Need more rats

Curiously, and without warning, a second voice could be heard whispering through the dorian-scented air of the room

Ochin chin ga dai suki dayo

For a moment the words just floated in the air like they were struggling to cut through the stench. They were repeated

Ochin chin ga dai suki dayo

This time they reached the ears of our protagonist, yet they remained muffled till he instinctively picked at his ear and pulled out a log of wax the size of a date

A third calling brought the desired effect and Frank sat bolt upright, with that terrified look that only comes from hearing Christian rap played in the morning and seeing the dark lord himself

Ochin chin ga dai suki dayo

Part of the ceiling opened up like a wet pouch, pulsing and pushing out what looked like, for lack of a better description, a black fetus. Still screaming, it slid onto the ground and began to unfold. Dressed completely in black, it was as though he was the very source of darkness itself. His presence seemed to bring a distortion of the space-time continuum and when he spoke it brought both shadows and chills. He prowled slowly before Frank on all fours like a frog with chronic arthritis. His tongue occasionally darted in and out, almost in rhythm to the Tourettes-like flinching of his tightly wrapped black head. Everything about him incited dread: his darkness, his movements, his uncut finger and toe nails. But most of all it was his eyes. Weird and freaky to the core, they were simultaneously present and ethereal, penetrating and all-knowing, and they stared out from their sockets with spastic abandon

"Chin chin! Dark lord! Why have you come to torment me? Have you come to send me into the abyss?" Frank asked, paralyzed with fear

Now, Frank lived across a backstreet from a morbidly obese lady called Mrs. Montez who pretended to be a widowed pole dancer but was really a PETA agent determined to catch Frank in the act of animal abuse. She was, however, actually widowed. That part is true. She had also had a miscarriage. She observed Frank through a humongous telescope which was really quite unnecessary because the back street was only five feet wide and their windows directly faced each other. She would sit for hours watching Frank lie comatose from huffling jenkem, just as he would sit for hours keeping a protective eye on that ten year-old boy with the nice little ass living across the street in front of his apartment. She befriended Frank by telling him she was simply checking on his fibre intake and occasionally throwing fruit through his window, whether it was open at the time or not.

When she saw the horrors of Chin Chin unfolding in Frank's room she threw open her window and cried out for mercy. "Leave him alone! He's just a boy!" Within moments, other neighbors with similarly large telescopes were throwing their windows open and hurling their emotive pleas toward the dark lord and soon the whole back alley echoed with the words, "He's just a boy!" "He's just a boy!" "He's just a boy!" much like any Italian neighborhood.

Ochin chin. The dark lord continued with his demands.

"But I have made the sacrifices you asked for," said Frank. "The blood and pubic hair and nail clippings of a thousand youths were all duly provided with video evidence. I can show you right now."

Dai suki dayo.

"Why do you need extra sacrifices? Weren't those I made enough?" Frank was quivering with trepidation.

Ochin chin. Ochin chin.

"I swear I have no more. I have given you everything I had. I have no more chromosomes to give."

"He's just a boy!" the cries continued to ring through the alleyways and over the building tops.

Ochin chin ga daaaiii suki.

He placed his hand on Frank's trembling heart and absorbed the remaining chromosomes from him. With that, he quickly crawled back into his giant wet ceiling pussy, leaving Frank a quivering empty shell on the bed.

Once the shock waves had subsided and the space-time continuum had returned to normal, fear departed and life returned to normal in Frank's bedroom. That is, Frank sat on his bed and scratched his balls. He looked around to re-orientate himself. Then, very faintly at first, other activity began around the room. Initially, it started with just the lightest of movements from the cupboard door. it budged just a fraction; then a fraction more; then it peeped ajar. Finally the door swung open and out jumped a semi-naked little runt carrying some rosary beads.

"Alpha Centurion!" Frank exclaimed. "Good to see you, my friend! Thanks for all your support a minute ago when Chin Chin was here!"

He waddled over to Frank and sat on the bed beside him. "Good to see you too, Frank, fucking tool. Good thing I wasn't here a minute ago when the dark lord was here or I would have snapped his little dick in two. I would have pounded those creepy black eyes of his all the way to the back of his head. I would have reached into his chest, pulled out his still-beating heart and held it up to his face so he could see how black it is."

"Alpha Centurion, what are you talking about. I saw you hiding in the cupboard. Also, you owe me money. You came up short." The clock on the wall suddenly opened up from it a tiny, wrinkled human stuck his head out and said, "That was a great joke, Frank. Seven out of ten!". They aggressively winked at each other. The little guy returned back into the clock, never to be heard from again.

Before the runt could respond, the bedroom door swung open to the sound of disabled grunts, and in hopped a demented looking guy, pink from head to toe. "Pink Guy! It's you! You're here too! You made it! You just missed all the action by the way. You're a pussy too, you know that? You and Alpha Centurion are both a couple of pussies — leaving me to face Chin-Chin all on my own. It was pretty scary for a while there." On hearing the dark lord's name, Pink Guy's eyes were stunned wide open. He could not understand how Frank ever had the courage to say Chin Chin's name out loud.

At that moment a rustling noise came up from under Frank's bed.

"Come out Salamander man, I know it's you."

"Nyeessss!" came the reply as the huge humanoid salamander peeped out from under the bed.

"Salamander man, what are you doing under my bed? Have you any idea of the filth that lies under there? I tell you, there's some nasty stuff down there."

"Nyeessss!" he pulled himself fully out and immediately began to caress his nipples. He was now completely back to his normal self. All his lacerations had healed and his nipples were back to full erections. Whatever wretched woundings had previously disturbed him, he was back to his normal, cheerful self again. "Nyeessss!" he cried and immediately inserted a recorder into his left nostril and broke into a rousing rendition of a tune from his glory days. Before Alpha Centurion could start dancing to the music, or Frank could compliment him on his playing or his general good looks and SICK moves, the door was kicked wide open and in strolled a strange Japanese man wearing brown spectacles, a Hawaiian shirt and a safari hat. "Wow!" he declared. "Wow, Franku!"

"Safari Man!" cried Frank, ecstatic that his whole posse was reunited once again. "I thought you were still back in..."

"No, no! Let's not go there! Suffice to say, being married to a negi was never going to work out for someone like me ha ha ha. She had no pussy. Can you imagine aggressively trying to make a dent in drywall with your dick? Not for me." He was shadowed by Drone who hovered just about his left shoulder.

Frank gestured for them all to come together. They embraced in a tight and passionate group hug, with Alpha Centurion burrowing with pleasures into Pink Guy's thighs. With the six of them now together, the circus was pretty much complete again. And there was much rejoicing until late in the night with laughing and dancing and general scat.

But Frank's dilemma remained and his interest was piqued. He was still capable of multiplying his chromosomes and he was still greatly troubled by this, not merely the capability but the reasoning behind it. Why would any god want to see the multiplication of his chromosomes and no-one else's? Why had Chin Chin, the all powerful god chosen him? Why was Frank so verbally and sexually aggressive all the time? He was no closer to finding out why. There had to be more. Beyond the peace lords, there had to be an Ultimate God. Frank was more determined now than ever before to find Him, confront Him and demand the answers to his questions. And so his quest became all-consuming. But this is no means where it had begun.