Fine, I’m Fine

Alright!
Fuckin' fine
If you want, then I can finally admit it
It took, what, almost twenty-three years?
Of doubt, and fear, and all that bullshit
I've hidden behind this screen, with a referential, blackened sheen
I've poured my heart out dry to keep the sadness pristine
But for the first time in this whole damn life that's been thrown at me
I think I might actually be happy

It's been a while, so let me be myself, complete and sincere
This is the first fair night in a long, long time spent drunk, but not bookended by tears
The grin I wear is real and it crawls from ear to ear
The one place I'd like to be most is right damn here

I've got good friends I can trust and lean on
Though I've not had to use them yet
Their company is an end to outlie the means
On the bell curve inside my head
I've got more than I could ever expect
And not one has effected a way to end my respect yet
The list of hit/miss ratios shows that they're all a sure-shot bet

So the stakes I've placed on a losing race
Are a fallacy of sanity and a couple of mates
I do what I want and I can afford to eat?
I mean, fuck me, mate, what more do you need?
I cannot pretend anymore that this life can still be beat

So, please

Let this endless torrent of fear flow away
I don't need a rose-tinted lens to enbrighten these greys
They're plenty vibrant. The frame merely gets in the way
Why dwell in the past when this life is so vast?
Oh, it's splendid today

It's been a while, so let me smile with my eyes instead of my teeth
Oh, it's a strange, new thing when a crocodile cries its tears out of joy, not deceit
I'm sure it won't last long, but for now, it's such a treat
To bring the happy man out from underneath

And let's be clear, now: I don't deserve this
That fact is firm and unyielding
Your good, kind platitudes and idolizing attitudes
Don't earn me the power that I'm wielding
But I'm happy I can hide inside the walls I created
Hated by the me that thought he'd die in complacent hatred
This time, I'll look him straight in the eye and say
"Mate, I fucking made it"

'Cause everybody's saying that I'm never gonna make it
But I'm taking on the chin each hit of hesitation
If an idea's got good legs then it'll run
And if you're learning to walk, you gotta make sure you're having fun
I work with, at, to and for one, and I sure as shit ain't done

Not yet

Let this endless torrent of fear flow away
(And when shit hits the fan, scream mayday)
I don't need a rose-tinted lens to enbrighten these greys
(When you find who you are, you find it easier to say)
They're plenty vibrant, the frame merely gets in the way
(Make tomorrow your heyday)
Why dwell in the past when this life is so vast?
Oh, it's splendid today

And when I die, know that I'm
Just a product of place and time
Such convenient luck for a thick-headed dumb cunt
Failing my way on up
And know that I am not blind
I see the shadow lurking behind
But just for now, let me write something that's upbeat and bright
While it's still light

Let me say I'm fine
Without it being a lie

Let this hellish tempest of rage run its course
(Forgive the hunch, but I have an inkling)
I don't wanna hide behind this state of mind anymore
(That I don't think what I've thought is worth more than what I'm thinking)
If it's a trick then consider me fully immersed
(Do you think doubt will make it hurt less?)
I'll enjoy the sun before darkness has come
And this light has dispersed

Yeah, I'm doing good, mate