Ferris Bueller’s Day Off - How to Fake Out Parents and Avoid School

INT. BEDROOM

FERRIS
Incredible! One of the worst performances of my
career and they never doubted it for a second.

Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight.

FERRIS (CONT'D)
How could I possibly be expected to handle school
on a day like this?

He turns from the window. He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV broadcast. A NEW SONG begins. He equalizes the sound a little.

FERRIS (CONT'D)
This is my ninth sick day with semester. It’s pretty
tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten,
I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I
better make this one count.

Ferris sits on his bed.

FERRIS (CONT'D)
The key to faking out the parents is the clammy
hands. It's a good, non-specific symptom. I’m a big
believer in it. A lot of people tell you a good phony
fever is a dead lock. But you get a nervous mother
and you could wind up in a doctor's office and that's
worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp and
when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you
lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but
then, so is high school.

INT. HALLWAY

Ferris walks through from his bedroom through the hallway...

FERRIS
Life moves pretty fast.

INT. BATHROOM

...And into the bathroom.

FERRIS
If you don’t stop and look around once in a while,
you could miss it.

He turns on the shower water.

FERRIS (CONT'D)
I do have a test today that wasn't bullshit.

He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs.

INT. BATHROOM - SHOWER STALL

FERRIS
It's on European socialism. I mean, really, What's
the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be
European. So, who gives a crap if they're socialists?
They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't
change the fact that I don't own a car.

Ferris, who has fashioned his hair into a mohawk, sings "Danke Shoen" into the shower head.

FERRIS (CONT'D)
(singing)
"I recall, Central Park in fall
How you tore your dress
What a mess, I confess"

He moves his hand to block the camera as he cleans his private areas.

INT. HALLWAY

Ferris walks through the hallway with a towel wrapped around both his waist and his head.

FERRIS
Not that I condone fascism. Or any "isms" for that
matter. "Isms", in my opinion are not good. A person
should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in
himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles,
I just believe in me." A good point there. After all, he
was the Walrus... I could be the Walrus and I'd still
have to bum rides off of people.