Mentality

[Sample]
Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline!

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you-you.
If-if you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line, I'm gonna trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother-ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, the small voice will tell you which number to press-press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer you.
No-one will answer you,
No-one will answer you.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash-key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later, and if you have low self-esteem, hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Try your call again later, and if you have low self-esteem, hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you. (x3)