How To Actually Wear Pants

Put your left leg
In the left pant leg

Put your right leg
In the right pant leg

Pull the zipper up
(zzzzzzzip!)

And push the button through the hole

Give it a rub for good luck

Comb the tassels to eliminate knots
(you don't want to get [?])

Roll up the cuffs
Three rolls
Or knee high
Whichever comes first

Inflate the protective personal space maintenance buffer

And tune the jingle bells
*jingle bells*
To F#
*jingle bells*
Mixolydian
*jingle bells*

Place a package of gum
In one of the back pockets
But not both

Adjust the brightness and contrast to settings
Which are appropriate for your destination

Now, you are wearing your pants
Now, you are wearing your pants
Now, you are wearing your pants