The song regales us with tales of the French-Canadian folk legend Big Joe Mufferaw. The character is very much the Upper Canadian equivalent of Paul Bunyan.
While the acts depicted are completely unverifiable and of dubious authenticity, as is required of any good folklore, all of the towns mention...
[Chorus]
Heave hi
Heave hi ho
The best man in Ottawa was Mufferaw Joe
Mufferaw Joe
[Post-Chorus]
Big Joe Mufferaw paddled into Mattawa
All the way from Ottawa in just one day
(Hey hey)
On the river Ottawa the best man we ever saw
Was Big Joe Mufferaw the old folks say
I'm a-listenin' to tell you what the old folks say
[Verse 1]
Now they say Big Joe had an old pet frog
Bigger than a horse and he barked like a dog
And the only thing quicker than a train upon a track
Was Big Joe ridin' on the bullfrog's back
[Chorus]
Heave hi
Heave hi ho
The best man in Ottawa was Mufferaw Joe
Mufferaw Joe
[Verse 2]
They say Big Joe used to get real wet
From cuttin' down timber and workin' up a sweat
And everyone will tell you around Carleton Place
That the Mississippi dripped off of Big Joe's face
[Chorus]
Heave hi
Heave hi ho
The best man in Ottawa was Mufferaw Joe
Mufferaw Joe
[Verse 3]
Now Joe had to portage from the Gatineau down
To see a little girl he had in Kemptville town
He was back and forth so many times to see that gal
The path he wore became the Rideau Canal
[Chorus]
Heave hi
Heave hi ho
The best man in Ottawa was Mufferaw Joe
Mufferaw Joe
[Post-Chorus]
Big Joe Mufferaw paddled into Mattawa
All the way from Ottawa in just one day
(Hey hey)
On the river Ottawa the best man we ever saw
Was Big Joe Mufferaw the old folks say
I'm a-listenin' to tell you what the old folks say
[Verse 4]
They say Big Joe put out a forest fire
Halfway between Renfrew and old Arnprior
He was fifty miles away down around Smith Falls
But he drowned out the fire with five spitballs
[Chorus]
Heave hi
Heave hi ho
The best man in Ottawa was Mufferaw Joe
Mufferaw Joe
[Verse 5]
Well he jumped in the Calabogie Lake real fast
And swam both ways to catch a cross-eyed bass
But he threw it on the ground said "I can't eat that"
So he covered it over with Mount Saint Pat
[Chorus]
Heave hi
Heave hi ho
The best man in Ottawa was Mufferaw Joe
Mufferaw Joe
[Verse 6]
Now they say Big Joe drank a bucket o' gin
And then he beat the living tar out of 29 men
And high on the ceilin' of a Pembroke pub
There's 29 boot marks and they're signed with love
[Chorus]
Heave hi
Heave hi ho
The best man in Ottawa was Mufferaw Joe
Mufferaw Joe
[Post-Chorus]
Big Joe Mufferaw paddled into Mattawa
All the way from Ottawa in just one day
(Hey hey)
On the river Ottawa the best man we ever saw
Was Big Joe Mufferaw the old folks say
I'm a-listenin' to tell you what the old folks say
[Outro]
They say
Heave hi
Heave hi ho
The best man in Ottawa was Mufferaw Joe
Mufferaw Joe
(Big Joe Mufferaw, Big Joe Mufferaw, Big Joe Mufferaw...)