Billy the Mountain

Billy the mountain, Billy the mountain
A regular, picturesque, postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethel, a tree!
A tree!

Billy was a mountain
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
Billy was a mountain (Billy was a mountain)
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
(Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder he-he-hey)

Billy had two big caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw that would go up 'n down
And whenever it did, he'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder (hack!)
Hack up a boulder (hack! hack!)
Hack up a boulder (hack! hack! hack!)
Hack up a boulder

Now, one day, now I believe it was on a Tuesday
A man in a checkered, double knit suit
Drove up in large Eldorado Cadillac leased from Bob Spreen
(Where the freeways meet in Downey)
And he laid a huge, bulging envelope
Right at the corner of Billy the Mountain
That was right where his 'foot' was supposed to be
Now, Billy the Mountain, he couldn't believe it!
All those postcards he'd posed for, for all of those years
And finally, now, at last, his royalties!
Royalties! (Royalties!)
Royalty check is in, honey!

Yes, Billy the Mountain was rich!
Yes, and is eyeball-caves widened in amazement
His jaw, which was his cliff, well it, it dropped thirty feet!
A bunch of dust puffed out!
Rocks and boulders hacked up
Crushing 'the Lincoln'!

I gave him the money, he acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and it totaled my car!
Oh, do you know any trucks might be bound for the Valley?
I don't want to stand here all night in this bar
Dear lord, I don't want to stand here all night in this bar
No shit, I don't want to stand here all night in this bar

By two o'clock, when the bars are already closed down
Billy had already broken the big news to Ethel (taa-daa!)
And with dust and boulders everywhere
Billy, choked with excitement, announced
"Ethel, we're going on a vacation!"

Yes, and they were going on a vacation!
Oh, and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel like any little woman
She of course was very excited!
She creaked a little bit and some old birds flew off of her
Billy told Ethel they were going to
Yes, they were going to New York!
"Ethel, we're going to... uh, uh, uh, New York!"
But first they were gonna stop in Las Vegas

It's off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles and drink a few beers
Oh, Ethel! Ethel, my darling you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a vacation this year!
Oh, neato! Glad we could have a vacation this year!

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave desert
Their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds
"Ethel, want to get a cuppa cawfee?"
(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's!)
"There's a Howard Johnson's want to eat some clams?"

The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed
Was Edwards Air Force Base
And to this very day
Wing nuts and data reduction clerks alike
Speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when
Test stand number one and the rocket sled itself got lunched!
I said lunched! (lunched!)
By a famous mountain-in
And his small, wooden wife

"Word just in to the KTTV news service undeniably links
This mountain and his wife to drug abuse
And pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring!
However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area
That a recent narcotics crack-down
In Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita
Westchester, Playa del Rey, Santa Monica
Tujunga, Sunland, San Fernando, Pacoima, Sylmar
Newhall, Canoga Park
Palmdale, Glendale, Irwindale
Rolling Hills, Granada Hills, Shadow Hills, Cheviot Hills
Will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale grand jury
Has needed to seek a criminal indictment
And pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid
And avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians
Throughout the inland empire"

Within the week
Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon (la la la, nice lady!)
To raise funds for the injured (injured)
And homeless (homeless) in Glendale

As Billy had just levelled it
And, a few miles right outside of town
Billy caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the Earth's crust
Right over the secret underground dumps
Right near the Jack in the Box on Glen Oaks
Where they keep the pools of old poison gas
And obsolete germ bombs
Just as a freak tornado cruised through

Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon
When little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch ( Toto!)
Just playing (Come home, Toto!)
Having a nice time with his little accordion (Toto!)
And this weird wind came up (Toto!)
Direct from Glendale (Toto! Toto!)
Blowing these terrible germs in his direction
(Come here, Toto!), and all of this caused (Toto...!)
By a huge mountain (Aunty Em!)!

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly
Sucking up two thirds of it (suck! suck! suck!)
For untimely dispersal over vast stretches of Watts!

Now, unless I misunderstood
It was right outside of Columbus, Ohio
When Billy received his notice
To report for his induction physical
Now, let me tell ya, Ethel said
Now, Ethel, Ethel said
She wasn't gonna let him go!
"I'm not gonna let you go, Billy!"
That's right

"We now have confirmed reports
From an informed Orange County minister
That Ethel is still an active communist
And it's this reporter's opinion
That she also practices (coven!) witchcraft!"

It was about this time that
The telephone rang in the secret briefcase
Belonging to the one mortal man
Who might be able to stop
All of this senseless destruction
And save America herself! (Woo! Hooray!)

And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you
It was not Chief Reddin
This one man was Studebaker Hoch
Fantastic new superhero of the current economic slump

Now, some folks say he looked like Zubin Mehta (Zubin Mehta)
Still others say, bullshit, honey
He's just another greasy guy who happened to be born
Next to the Frozen Beef Pies at Boney's Market
Still others say, John, piss on you, Jack!
He's just a crazy Italian who drove a red car
You see, nobody ever really knew for sure
Because Studebaker was so mysterious (mysterious)

He was so (he was so, he was so)
Mysterious
He was so (he was so, he was so)
Mysterious

'Cause when a person gets to be such a hero, folks
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named 'Pinocchio' or what?

Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he has a son named 'Pinocchio' or what?

Some men say he could fly some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka
And all the girls in flushing would be amazed of him
Two, three!
Amazed of him!
Amazed! (Amazed!)

Time passes...
January, February, March, July
Wednesday
August
Irwindale
2:30 in the afternoon
Sunday! Monday...
Funny Cars!
Walnut!
Friday
City of Industry
Big John Mazamanian!

So when the phone rang in the secret briefcase
A strong masculine hand with a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch
And flexy bracelet grabbed it and answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice:

"So... ah... yeah, yeah, hello already... what?... Well, yeah?... Ah, are you kidding...? You're not kidding... a mountain...? With a tree growing off of its shoulder...? Aw, you're fulla shit, man... ah, listen, by the way, before I go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with the pencil on the front...? Yeah...? Yeah, you should move some of those for me, we're having a lot of... listen, so kiss little Jakey on the head... and, ah, how's your wife's hemorrhoids? Oh, that's too bad... Listen... so you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing... oh, my! Well, let me write this down... sorta take a few notes here... yeah...? To El Segundo, huh? Causing untold destruction? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for draft evasion? An expense account? And per diem, too?"

Some men say he could dance!
They said he could dance and, of course, they were right
Ladies and gentlemen, this is it
The Studebaker Hoch Dancing Lesson
And Cosmic Prayer for Guidance featuring Aynsley Dunbar, hit it!
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, hey!

Right hand from the heart-uh
Left hand from the heart-uh
Right hand from the heart-uh
Left hand from the left shoulder to the heart-uh

Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore
(Nobody can dance like Studebaker Hoch)

So many rumors have spread about Studebaker Hoch! (a rumor)
Consider this rumor, which was published (a rumor)
About three weeks ago in Rolling Stone!
(Oh, it's gotta be true!)
Studebaker Hoch can write the Lord's Prayer
On the head of a pin (No!)

Do-do-do-do-do, do, do, do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do-do, do, do, do-do
Do-do-do-do-do (I'm so hip!)
Do, do, do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do-do, do, do, do-do

Beef pies
He was born next to the beef pies
Underneath Joni Mitchell's autographed picture
Right beside Elliot Roberts' big Bank Book
Next to the boat where Crosby flushed away all his stash
And the cops got him in the boat and drove away
To the can where Neil Young slipped another disk
Froze-ing by the pies!
Froze-ing by the pies!
Froze-ing by the pies!

And that was the main influence on him!
The influence of a frozen beef pie

Boldly springing into action
He phoned his wife, who ran a modeling school
Whereupon he... yes, he ran around
The back of the Broadway at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine
To see if he could find himself
Some big large, unused cardboard boxes (no shit!)
After which, he hit up the Ralph's on Sunset
For some Aunt Jemima syrup
Some Kaiser broiler foil
And a pair of blunt scissors! Hey-hey!

Yes! Yes, and in the parking lot of Ralph's
Where "no prices are lower prices than Ralph's"
In the parking lot of Ralph's
In between a pair of customized trucks
Where nobody was looking
He cut out some really, really, really nice wings
And he covered them thoroughly with foil!

Thoroughly with foil

Then he took those wings
And wedged one under each of his powerful arms
And sneaked into a telephone booth
Yes! Yes! And then he shut the fuckin' door!
And he pulled down
His blue denim policeman-type trouser pants
And he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima maple syrup
All over the inside of his legs! (Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)
Soon the booth was filling with flies (Help me, help me, help!)

He held open the legs of his boxer shorts
So they could all get in (Yes!)
And when each and every one of those
Little cocksuckin' flies had gone into his pants
And they were lapping up all that maple syrup
He bent over and he put his head
Between his legs and he said in a very clear
Impressive, Ron Hubbard-type voice...
"New York!"
And the booth and everything lifted up
Out of the parking lot, and into the sky!

Studebaker Hoch, yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch, Studebaker Hoch
Studebaker Hoch, yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch, Studebaker Hoch

He's coating his legs
With Aunt Jemima syrup up and down!
His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!

Studebaker Hoch, he's really outta sight!
Studebaker Hoch, he does it every night!
Studebaker Hoch, he treats the flies all right
Studebaker Hoch, that's why they never bite, hey!

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!
He could be a dog or a frog or a lesbian queen!
Fly to New York!
He could be a nark or a lady marine!
Or he might play dirty!
He's over thirty!
Getting old? say!
I don't know!

His peculiar attire and the flies he require
Keep leading him on, 'cause Ethel is gone
They keep leading him on, 'cause Ethel is gone
And the mountain she's on

And speaking of mountains, we'll join Studebaker Hoch on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth. Take it away:

"Ah...ya, ya, ya, hey-ah Billy, ah, listen...
I've come to reason with you!
Our great country needs you in the Armed Forces!
Your number came up
You can't go on running like this forever"

Oh! But Ethel just shook her twigs angrily
But Studebaker Hoch calm, cool
Collected and unferturbed, continued

"Yeah, well, listen, you, listen, you communist son-of-a-bitch!
You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical
Or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt
In some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation
And your girlfriend there will wind up
Disguised as a series of brooms
Primitive ironing boards or a dog house
Get the, get the picture?"

Yeah well, Billy just laughed
"Ho, ho, ho, ha-ha-ha if they think they're gonna draft me
They're crazy!"

Unfortunately, because Studebaker Hoch
Was standing on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth
When the giant mountain laughed
Studebaker Hoch lost his footing and fell, screaming
Two hundred feet into the rubble below!

"Aaahhhhh... oh fuck, I'm gonna need a truss..."

Oh, listen, that only goes to show you
And it'll show you once again that

A mountain is something you don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with, don't fuck around
Don't fuck around, don't fuck with Billy (No!)
And don't fuck with Ethel
You saw what just happened to the guy with the flies!

Don't fuck around! Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around! Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around! Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!

With
Biddilly, biddilly
Biddilly, biddilly, biddilly

Biddilly the Mountain-in!

Eddie, are you kidding?
Eddie, are you kidding?

Oh, I forgot to mention
This is where we take our intermission
We'll see you in a few minutes...
Thank you!
We'll be back!

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